Tuesday, October 20, 2009

At The End of All Our Wanderings

"At the end of all our wanderings, we return to the place of our very beginning, and see it, as if for the first time." T.S. Eliot

Each year I put together an Annual Summary document for work. It's a justification of my job, and proof I earn my keep. My supervisor then uses this Annual Summary as part of a performance evaluation. The write up is a lengthy undertaking, but one I don't mind. It helps me focus less on what I haven't accomplished and take a moment to appreciate what I have.

The write up landing on my supervisor's desk this morning was seventeen pages long. All in all, it has been a big year. Not just at work. Without deciding to I took up the habit of pushing against the edges of the comfortable skin I've occupied.

Did I tell you I took a personal finance course this spring? My checkbook is in no better shape but it seriously broadened my grasp investments and banking vocabulary. I kicked my running pace up a notch, and took a six-week progressive yoga class. I started this wacky on-line engineering program. Made a habit of reading more, listening to my kid more often than advising her, and casting around for new recipe ideas.

I'd call it a transformational year. One in which, my husband could attest, I've been moody and cranky most of the time. The learning curve comes more slowly than I'd like. Any sensation of progress or forward motion is fleeting. And, let's face it, I'm a bit of a drama queen to begin with...so you can imagine.

It isn't that I've morphed into someone else, cured my long laundry list of flaws, or mastered a new field of study. It's that I decided to be unafraid and un-embarrassed by my shortcomings. I dug into a fresh landscape of study. Found new slants on my familiars. Piped up when I struggled, had questions or didn't understand something.

It's the undercurrent of these events I like so much. Not the struggle or the slow progress, but, the sense that my life and mind are not so rigid that I couldn't still become someone. It's an optimistic lens on the familiar landscape of my life. I welcome this new sense that I am still growing into the person I had once hoped or intended to be.

4 comments:

B said...

What an inspiration you are, my dear friend! You have much to be proud of and satisfied with this year. Isn't it wonderful to see how we can keep growing and stretching long after youth has passed us on the curve? You're inspiring me to take a good look at the past year myself ... and yes, to try celebrating all the accomplishments rather than always focusing on what remains to be done.

Melodee said...

My heart is swelling because evidently yours is. Note however: at every step you have been the person I had hoped you to be. This is just one more passage in the life of an extraordinary woman.

m@ said...

"I decided to be unafraid and un-embarrassed by my shortcomings."
What a profound, inspiring and, ultimately, liberating thing to do. We should all take note.

Melissa said...

Thanks, guys, for sticking with me. It's been a heck of a year.